Cooking and the Internet

You would think that the internet has everything, but apparently, not a recipe website that doesn't suck. I really enjoy cooking, but I would like to get better at it. The logical thing to do would be to practice with interesting recipes. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a single website that actually has recipes real people would use. I don't know anyone who eats honey-glazed duck on a random night. I've NEVER eaten duck. EVER.

Or ducks made of oranges.

I want stuff with ground beef, or chicken, or things real humans eat.

I don't understand why this is annoying me so much, but it really is. You have officially been challenged internet.

Immaturity and Why It Pisses Everyone Around You Off

We all have things that we do that are immature. For instance, I watched iCarly until I was 24 years old. But, when your immaturity starts messing up other peoples' lives, they're probably going to say something or stab your eyes out with sharp, pointy objects.

At your job at Burger King, it's okay to mess around and have fun every once in a while, ya know at 11:49 pm when there are zero customers and a stoned manager. If it's the peak of business in the day and your boss' boss' boss' boss is in the building, it's probably not a good time to light your farts on fire. I'm not picking on people that work in food service, I did it for four years (not even with the excuse of being in college at the time) and became an assistant manager. I wanted to serve curly fries for the rest of my life, and if that's you, awesome; if not, I understand that you hate your job and your life (probably) and that your paycheck hardly covers your gas back and forth to work, let alone paying for rent, utilities, phones, your monthly requirement of Pokemon cards, whatever. Just please don't make the lives of your co-workers and customers worse by pulling stupid pranks, doing your job on acid (true story, had this happen to me) or going on "break" for four hours (this one too), because their lives suck just as much as yours.

Even if you are really immature and get fired from Burger King, you can probably find another job that is just as awful at McDonald's or Starbucks. Personal relationships, they're a little harder to replace. If you tell your girlfriend/boyfriend/blow-up doll you're going to be home at a certain time and don't show because you and your buddies are out doing bath salts and cannibalizing one another, that's probably going to get around. Unfortunately for you, as an adult, most of your relationships tend to be with people that know one another. I really liked this guy and one of our mutual friends told me how he blew his old girlfriend off AT THE AIRPORT to shoot fireworks with his friend (in September), let's just say, we didn't end up dating. If any of my friends ever ask me about him, I'm going to tell that story FOREVER.

I'm not saying that you need to get a job as an accountant and get married on your 18th birthday, you're absolutely going to make stupid ass mistakes, but you need to realize nothing is ever forgotten and I guarantee you that at least one time in your life, it's going to screw you over.

Logic in the Face of Idiocy

I'm not saying that I'm smarter than most people, just that I'm more logical. I think things through and don't make overly stupid decisions most of the time. For this reason, I just don't understand people who are straight up stupid. Now, I'm not talking about people who were born with a low intelligence or have mental problems, I am talking about those who are smart enough to know better, but choose not.

Today, in the car with my best friend, some dickbag in a Subaru decides to come over into our lane and then go across two others, with his children in the car. I KNOW that you can't be that dumb. It doesn't make sense to risk the lives of your kids to make the exit to Burger King. I promise, there is another one in four miles. 

Worse than that, is people who ignore sound medical advice. I refuse to go to the doctor unless some part of my body is rotting off. This is probably why I didn't find out that I had Type 1 Diabetes until I was 23 and hours away from dying. But, if you DO go to the doctor and he tells you to stop smoking heroin or injecting candy canes or whatever it is that doctors actually do, maybe that is what you should do. I know that addiction is a wretched bitch. I smoke, and while that isn't even on the same level as an opioid or infomercial addiction, it still freaking sucks every time I try to quit. I will murder you for looking at me the wrong way and dance on your still warm body for the sheer joy of it, AND THIS IS JUST FROM NICOTINE. (I feel like I got off topic...) But, the point is, that if your doctor tells you to stop inhaling bacon or you're going to die, LAY OFF THE BACON.

Lastly, don't be a dick to your partner. I know this sounds super obvious, but you would be surprised. Not only is your partner the only person who can give all dem lovin's without it being considered cheating, but they are the one person in the world who should have your back in any situation. If my husband told me he punched my mom in the boob, I would assume she deserved it because I have a piece of paper saying that I am in his corner. Short of harming someone completely innocent (which the boy couldn't do with a gun to his head), I will defend him in any situation. I believe in his judgement and trust him to do the right thing in all situations. Plus, if your wife asks you to load the dishwasher and you don't, she may Bobbitt your ass.

Dear kiddies born after 1990, Google this woman and fear for your safety.

How to Not Be an Asshole

Douchebaggery is ingrained in our society. It's as American as Canadian bacon or Japanese cars. Every day you seem people seem to go out of their way to piss you off. Here is a list of five ways to fix yourself so I don't want to punch you repeatedly in the face.

You probably deserved this.

Step 1: Get Off of Your Damn Phone When I'm Talking to You

This is seriously one of the worst social crimes in my opinion. If I'm telling you about my awesome reduction or how I saved a baby from a flaming building that was also sinking into a lake while Bigfoot tried to eat my face, and you pull out your phone and talk for more than thirty seconds, I going to want to murder you. I'm probably actively planning it at the one minute mark, by five I've figured out how to get away with it. There are some exceptions to this rule, if you're a single mother and your child's school calls because he's coughing TB on his classmates, I understand. But short of that, I want to damage you physically.

Step 2: Don't Give Bullshit Advice

A few years ago, I had a really big tragedy occur. I was very upset and everyone and their mom tried to "cheer me up." Hearing that something awful is "God's will," if just going to make the person hurting pissed off at God/Buddha/Allah/The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now that I am somewhat removed from said tragedy, I can understand where people are coming from (it's still dickish to say), but the day it happened, I couldn't understand why people were rubbing it in my face that God hated me.

Step 3: Don't Be So Lazy That People Notice

I'm lazy and I straight up admit it. I'm attempting to write on the Internet so that I don't have to get a real job. It's almost 2pm and I haven't gotten dressed. I understand how easy it is to continue being lazy once you start. Also, I don't give any shits about how clean or dirty your car/house is, but in a social situation being lazy makes people want to grind you up and feed you to some disgusting animal.

Zebras eat humans, right?

If you're at work and can slip under your desk for the occasional nap and people just assume you have wicked diarrhea, awesome. If Pam in the next cubicle has to do your job because of it, she's going to be calling 1-800-HITMAN as soon as she gets into her car.

Step 4: Don't Be Mr. Pink

If you didn't automatically get this reference, GET OFF OF MY BLOG. But seriously, in the movie Reservoir Dogs, Mr. Pink (played by Steve Buscemi) goes on a rant about how you shouldn't have to tip wait staff. I do understand the premise here, if restaurants paid their employees a salary they could survive on, I wouldn't need to tip. Unless you have the power to change the way a whole industry thinks, you will never hurt anyone but your waitress who is struggling to pay for diapers and new shoes.

Step 5: LISTEN

This seems so simple, but yet so many people don't seem to be able to do it. I don't care what the other person is talking about, when you started the conversation you entered into a social contract with them. This means you have to listen to what they say, think about it, and respond. For some reason, a lot of people seem to skip the listening part. Their conversations go like this:

Person 1: "So then my mother told me that I was going to hell for smoking those bath salts and eating my dad's face off."

Person 2: "My life is worse than yours because I hate myself for this stupid reason."

P1: "But, about me again, bath salts are a terrible plan."

P2: "The story behind this stupid reason is that when I was a child, my grandmo-"

P1: "Dude, never do bath salts."

This happens all the time. It makes me brain want to explode, just shut the hell up and listen to someone else speak BEFORE thinking of your response or interrupting.

Ex-Best Friends and Current Turmoil

My life is a revolving door of other people's drama. It has been for a long time. Someone says something stupid, someone says something more stupid, I try to stop it; thus, I'm involved. Or sometimes, one person is definitely in the wrong and tries to make me choose. Don't give me ultimatums. I'll never choose you. Sorry, bro. Now, I'm short a best friend who doesn't even respond to MY APOLOGIES for getting involved.

I really should learn to leave people to their own dumbass mistakes, but I just can't. I always try to save the day, then I feel bad for the consequences.

Now, I miss this ex-best friend even though our friendship was pretty one-sided. And to be perfectly honest, the friendship I chose is way more healthy, but for some reason, I keep reverting back to the moron that is desperate for friend #1's affection. I'm pretty sure this says more about me than anyone else involved.

I probably need psychiatric help.

Misadventures in Internet Comedy Writing

So, here's the thing, I would say that I'm pretty funny and that I write pretty well. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to do those things at once. (Why are you writing a blog, you say? How about shut up?) I recently decided to write for my favorite comedy website, with miserable results. I cannot think of anything to write, not one single interesting topic. The issue is that the site has list-based articles, so I would have to have information that is interesting, witty, and in a countdown. I just don't understand why this is such a problem for me.

The only things I could think of to write about were diabetes, British royals from history, and my shitty taste in music. The first would be boring, the second would take sooo much research, and the last couldn't be backed up without my iPod and I want to keep that.

I have hilarious friends and family that also can't come up with anything. I really don't want to get a real job..

Here's a picture of a girl covered in bacon to liven up this depressing post.