How to Not Be an Asshole

Douchebaggery is ingrained in our society. It's as American as Canadian bacon or Japanese cars. Every day you seem people seem to go out of their way to piss you off. Here is a list of five ways to fix yourself so I don't want to punch you repeatedly in the face.

You probably deserved this.

Step 1: Get Off of Your Damn Phone When I'm Talking to You

This is seriously one of the worst social crimes in my opinion. If I'm telling you about my awesome reduction or how I saved a baby from a flaming building that was also sinking into a lake while Bigfoot tried to eat my face, and you pull out your phone and talk for more than thirty seconds, I going to want to murder you. I'm probably actively planning it at the one minute mark, by five I've figured out how to get away with it. There are some exceptions to this rule, if you're a single mother and your child's school calls because he's coughing TB on his classmates, I understand. But short of that, I want to damage you physically.

Step 2: Don't Give Bullshit Advice

A few years ago, I had a really big tragedy occur. I was very upset and everyone and their mom tried to "cheer me up." Hearing that something awful is "God's will," if just going to make the person hurting pissed off at God/Buddha/Allah/The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now that I am somewhat removed from said tragedy, I can understand where people are coming from (it's still dickish to say), but the day it happened, I couldn't understand why people were rubbing it in my face that God hated me.

Step 3: Don't Be So Lazy That People Notice

I'm lazy and I straight up admit it. I'm attempting to write on the Internet so that I don't have to get a real job. It's almost 2pm and I haven't gotten dressed. I understand how easy it is to continue being lazy once you start. Also, I don't give any shits about how clean or dirty your car/house is, but in a social situation being lazy makes people want to grind you up and feed you to some disgusting animal.

Zebras eat humans, right?

If you're at work and can slip under your desk for the occasional nap and people just assume you have wicked diarrhea, awesome. If Pam in the next cubicle has to do your job because of it, she's going to be calling 1-800-HITMAN as soon as she gets into her car.

Step 4: Don't Be Mr. Pink

If you didn't automatically get this reference, GET OFF OF MY BLOG. But seriously, in the movie Reservoir Dogs, Mr. Pink (played by Steve Buscemi) goes on a rant about how you shouldn't have to tip wait staff. I do understand the premise here, if restaurants paid their employees a salary they could survive on, I wouldn't need to tip. Unless you have the power to change the way a whole industry thinks, you will never hurt anyone but your waitress who is struggling to pay for diapers and new shoes.

Step 5: LISTEN

This seems so simple, but yet so many people don't seem to be able to do it. I don't care what the other person is talking about, when you started the conversation you entered into a social contract with them. This means you have to listen to what they say, think about it, and respond. For some reason, a lot of people seem to skip the listening part. Their conversations go like this:

Person 1: "So then my mother told me that I was going to hell for smoking those bath salts and eating my dad's face off."

Person 2: "My life is worse than yours because I hate myself for this stupid reason."

P1: "But, about me again, bath salts are a terrible plan."

P2: "The story behind this stupid reason is that when I was a child, my grandmo-"

P1: "Dude, never do bath salts."

This happens all the time. It makes me brain want to explode, just shut the hell up and listen to someone else speak BEFORE thinking of your response or interrupting.